Proceeding being surprisingly triggered to a familiar yet long distance and infrequent although never totally absent trigger, I experienced several thoughts to reaction. From shopping (the water filter I had been meaning to buy, running clothes so I could run literally right that moment), having a few beers, to sleeping / shutting down. All of my natural (or maybe learned) coping mechanisms now as easy as responses. Through tears as I pulled into my garage I realized, YOGA! It sounds cheesy I get it and still it literally felt like a friend on the inside!! Warm and soft in my chest. Ollie had fallen asleep on the way home and stayed that way exactly as long as my practice; Equanimity from Baron Baptiste. During my practice I pushed myself to my physical edge in heart and hip openers (and chair for some reason) and then let up a little and sobbed. Like really let shit out! I regained my focus and breath- ish and moved through whatever of the reminder of practice felt correct. During this part, I had a pretty fucking amazing realization that the Universe, through my physical body, had been preparing me for this moment, this day, this exact experience for a couple of weeks. In forward fold (see pic) I noticed I sit back into my heels, locking my knees, and causing them to not be in alignment with my ankles and hips. Lately, since noticing this, I have been mindful to lean forward, lining up my hips, knees, and ankles. Small adjustment, HUGE realization. How could I not have noticed such a great misalignment in a such a simple pose. So sitting forward, leads to sitting forward in other ways, lining up wrists and elbows, and shifting weight into my shoulders, back, and arms, otherwise my emotional storehouse. Even allowing me to forearm stand to my surprise!! (I was so shocked I fell out of it) Today as I practiced and cried and moved and breathed and stayed with myself, choosing not to abandon myself in this moment and then the next and then the next, I listened to and acted on a new response to an old trigger. I laughed to myself at the magnificence of it all. LEAN INTO IT, MOVE FORWARD, LITERALLY is what the Universe had been telling me. Laying groundwork for this moment. And a half hour later, another piece of the puzzle came to my thoughts: THERE NOTHING TO DO, NOTHING TO BE CHANGED, or run from, or quit, or reevaluate. I experienced such a range of emotions today from 12pm to 3pm, and doubt was no exception. And neither was disbelief. Disbelief that 3 hours could have me doubt my whole life, if even for a second. And behold! THERE WAS NOTHING TO CHANGE OR BE DONE!! Feelings to be felt, self to be with, some shit to let go of, and some new great shit to gain! That’s it, that’s all…and by no means does that aim to say it was it not enough, it was in fact more than I could have even known to ask for. Gratitude to this Universe for leading me through it and to it all. Gratitude to Reiki and meditation for helping me to see AND accept more truth and equanimity!! Gratitude to my fiance Chris for listening to my experience without judgement or making it about himself, and to me for being brave enough to talk to him about it! NAMAFUCKINSTAE, ya know!?!!
As for the trigger itself, my BAD-ASS friend JESSICA FOWLER @ VITALITY YOGA is going to help me along with that next week. I can’t be this BAD-ASS alone!! 😉 Check her out on FB